Southern Rail passengers have offered to be responsible for closing the doors on all trains in return for having trains on which to do so.

“Here’s the deal” stated passenger representative Tony Pendelino, “You send a train down the track at the same time each day, with doors that open and close, and we’ll sort out the whole getting on and closing the doors part ourselves.”

Reacting to the offer, Southern Rail bosses declared that “It really isn’t as simple as that, there are many considerations to be taken into account on both sides”

“Balls” replied Tony “We’ll just press that button with ‘CLOSE DOOR’ written on it. Piece of piss”