Scotland has maintained its complete indifference to the lack of lettuce, courgette and other vegetables in supermarkets.

The nationwide shortage came about last week as a result of poor growing conditions in the Mediterranean region. When asked about the effects the shortage may have on profits, manager of Sainsburys in Bathgate, Bruce McPulse responded “To be honest, I didn’t know anything about it until this morning when someone with an English accent asked where they could find the veg aisle”

“I had to ask one of the checkout girls what she was on about and she pointed out that we used to have a veg aisle up to two years ago but that we’d used it as an extra Irn-Bru and McEwans aisle ever since”

“I tried veg once… it properly fucked my chip pan up” he concluded.